Please note: This is satire. It will also teach you all of the synonyms for orange. Isn’t learning fun?!
Florida (UP) – The Apricot American Support Society (AASS) released a statement today blasting President Donald Trump as a “counterfeit carrot-skin.” Driving this unrest in the Apricot American community is an image released earlier this week showing that Pres. Trump has not made a full titian transition.
Pres. Trump was seen with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau entering the White House when a gust of wind lifted his bouffant exposing pale, sickly skin beneath. Press Secretary Sean Spicer, when asked for comment about the affront to orangeness stated, “Pres. Trump is a tangerine tyrant… Um… I mean titan… tangerine titan, and is beloved of all Apricot Americans. I’d also like to make sure everyone understands that the wind has a liberal bias and is not to be trusted. The whole environment is dangerously leftist, and we will deal with it accordionly.”
The Unassociated Press reached out to PM Trudeau about the incident. The following is not a statement from Kate Purchase, the Prime Minister’s Director of Communications.
“Prime Minister Trudeau, Justin Trudeau, J-U-S-T-I-N… Justin, as in this just in… has no comment on the identity choices of the American President. However, he would like to assure the Canadian Cantaloupers community that the government stands with you. Though PM Trudeau is not of your ranks he does enjoy the occasional tanning session as he is inordinately vain and overrated.”
It is likely that Ms. Purchase repeatedly stated the Canadian Prime Minister’s name in response to Press Sect. Sean Spicer mistakenly calling him “Joe” Trudeau in a press conference earlier this week. Though this is a piece of satire, that is absolutely true. The US Press Secretary called a foreign head of state by the wrong name.
The AASSes’ leader, the Eminent Endocarp Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi, was deeply troubled by the news that Trump had duped the drupes. “Nothing goes my way, I swear! This is like a total meatball problem. As, like, not a good meatball like from a nona, but a bad one, like from that sketchy Armenian bodega down the street. Not that it’s sketchy because it’s Armenian, but like that guy that works there every day is always throwing shade. It’s like, who cares if a girl is caked in makeup and fake tan? If they feel confident that way, then let them do whatever the f*ck they want.”
It’s clear that Pres. Trump is channeling, if not the full color of the Apricot American movement, the attitude. He continues to do “whatever the f*ck [he] wants” regardless of the consequences to the nation.