Please note: This is satire. Donald Trump has never made anyone go ‘WOOOOOO!!!’
CHARLOTTE, NC (UP) – “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair, former professional wrestler, filed a copyright infringement suit against President Donald Trump Friday. Flair cited the blatant use of his ‘essence’ as the grounds for the suit.
The following video was entered into evidence.
Flair’s attorney, Luke Williams, of Bushwacker & Bushwacker P.C., spoke with the Unassociated Press Friday evening.
Mr. Flair has a long history of grandiose, hyperbolic statements unrooted in reality. The very nature of President Trump’s appeal has been stolen whole cloth from my client. Ric Flair was the first person to build a celebrity based upon empty bravado. He was the first public figure to transition to Apricot American. He was the first icon to attempt to hide is baldness with a ridiculous hairstyle. He set the standard for being a ‘heel’, a standard that Pres. Trump is infringing upon.
Pres. Trump has even stolen the infamy Mr. Flair so rightly earned for flagrantly sexually harrassing women and sexually assaulting his wife. This is true. Even I, as a fictional lawyer in a satirical article, can direct you to news reports of the reprehensible behavior of both men. Here and Here. Though this is a disservice to my client, I, as a fictitious lawyer named after the author’s favorite wrestler of his childhood, have an obligation to point out that sexual misconduct is unacceptable where it may be found.
The UP reached out to Mr. Flair directly, and, against the wishes of his lawyer, he agreed to speak with us.
UP: Why do you feel Donald Trump is guilty of infringing upon your identity as “Nature Boy” Ric Flair?
RF: I’m Ric Flair! The Stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun!
UP: Mr. Flair, many people own limousines, fly in jet aircraft, and both style and profile. Why file a suit specifically against Donald Trump?
UP: Is American crying? Or are you alleging that President Trump is weeping?
RF: Everyone cries when Ric Flair shines ’cause they go blind. WOOOOOOOO!!!
UP: Mr. Flair, I’m not sure what…
RF: Look at these hands. These are the hands of a man with a plan. A man that knows the no chump named Trump can stand up to this pump.
At this point Mr. Flair began flexing into the face of the report, spraying spittle that smelled of creatine and desperation. Mr. Flair repeated thrust an image of his hands at the reporter, demanding it be featured in our article as proof that his “hands are the sign that the downstair’s divine.” As per the agreement reached with Mr. Flair’s lawyer, the image is included below with an image of Pres. Trump’s hands. These images have not been altered.