Trump Announces ‘Trump Book’: Oligarch-friendly Updates to the Classics

Please note: This is satire. President Trump is illiterate.

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NEW YORK (UP) – Pres. Trump, standing in the library of Columbia Grammar and Preparatory School, the school his son attends on New York’s Upper West Side, announced his new education initiative on Saturday morning.

“This initiative, for educating our children, is going to be great,” Pres. Trump told the seven onlookers and twenty-three Secret Service agents. “Books are a stupendous, the most fantastic, wonderful, way to learn, and reading is how you use them.”

The new initiative, Trump Book, will provide a capitalist-friendly slant to classics and new literature. They will replace the books that many Americans remember from their childhood starting next year.

“We’ve got some great people,” Pres. Trump suggested, “Working on these books. These are really smart, really learned people. Several scholars from Trump University are involved, one is even a woman.”

In addition to the Trump-brand educators, the President has reached out to several of his high-profile supporters to pen the stories that will “Make Reading Great Again.” Toby Keith, one of the performers at Trump’s inauguration, will author a children’s book titled ‘A Sip from Daddy’s Can,’ a story about the benefits of child beer consumption. Ted Nugent stepped forward to provide a guitar primer for elementary students, ‘Guitar to Drop Panties.’ The most anticipated work for young people is from the author Venomy Stickens, who is working on the series, ‘Venomy Stickens’ Series of Outstanding Occurrences’.

“I never cared for the work of Lemony Snicket,” Venomy Stickens told the UP, “Anyone with children can tell you how obnoxious, that’s a word that means very rude and disgusting, children can be. In his work, Mr. Snicket portrays the kindly benefactor, Count Olaf, as the villain, when it is clearly the three orphans he is saddled with that are the true baddies in the work. I will write this wrong. No longer will children see that it’s okay to expect handouts. In my series, Count Olaf will be awarded the children’s fortune so that he might become a job creator.”

Trump Book will not only focus on children’s literature. The literary classics of the English language will also receive a new treatment. Taking a note from Pres. Trump’s own life, ‘Lolita’, the seminal work of Vladimir Nabokov, will now tell the story of Humbert Humbert’s happy life with Dolores. ‘Oliver Twist’, formerly the work of Charles Dickens, will now focus on the creative economic endeavors of Bill Sikes. The Lord of the Rings series, originally by JRR Tolkien, will focus on the efforts of Sauron to bring industry to Middle Earth in the form of a vigorous weapons foundry program administered by Saruman, the White Wizard. White Wizards are a focus in several of the new Trump Books.

“Reading is good for making smart people,” Pres. Trump bumbled, “America needs smart people like me. People that know that hard work is what makes this country great, and with just one to fourteen million dollars anything is possible.”

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